8. How do I feel ?

Fine, bewildered, overwhelmed, trepidatious, incredulous and really fucking pissed off.


Physically I feel fine.
There is no pain or discomfort and apart from the larger of the two remaining tumors (right neck) no real visible symptoms at all. I say no discomfort, but due to the swelling the on the right side I am sometimes aware of a soft, dull, ache, but only very barely and not often.


There was some soreness at first with the right tumor as it had caused the Parotid Gland to become infected but the antibiotics took care of that weeks ago.


Psychologically, I'm all over the place.
My emotions range through feeling: bewildered, overwhelmed, trepidatious, incredulous, daunted, angry, morbid & morose, disappointed... I could go on and on but you get the idea.

What did I do to deserve this ?

I don't smoke, I don't drink excessively, I don't sun bathe, I have been a recreational drug user in the past, but I gave all that up years ago, so why me ? see Chapter 4.


A few times I have even cried.
First was when Jo and I returned from getting the biopsy results, that was just so overwhelming. I phoned a friend and colleague 'Clive Shaw' to seek his advice about posting this blog, we laughed and chatted and joked around, he was very help full, when we had finished our call I hung up, turned around and Jo was red eyed, puffy faced and wet cheeked, and that made me cry too. Once late night shopping in the supermarket, on my own and feeling sorry for my self. And one listening to "You can be special too" by Evil Nine. I welled up when I phoned my brother Malcolm to tell him. And a day or two ago I was searching for images of Cisplatin Pumps ( more about that later ) and found a picture of a nine year old boy hooked up to one, and the realization that there are people in far worse condition than me, and with far less experience to cope with it, but who still do, and that made feel ashamed of my self, and that made me cry too.


Peter Cottington the Production Director at Coley Poeter Bell, who has been a friend and colleague for at least 15, if not then 20 years asked "if i can help in anyway let me know" my reply was that "at the moment I'm just trying to be a brave little soldier", so brave little soldier it is.


Now mostly what I feel is...


"if one of the gods wants me dead then they can come and get me themselves, the bunch of lazy, little, fucking cowards" Stuart Flood

This is my war face, this is how i feel..

Takashi Murakami

Takashi Murakami

And grateful.

Too all the staff, in all the hospitals that I have come into contact with so far, they have all been quite lovely. And especially to Jo Widdowson ( the toy hider ), who has made every aspect of all this so much more bearable, just from being there to hold my hand when I needed it ( which has been quite often i.e. all the time ) She has looked up the information that I could not face, and allayed my fears when I have been ignorant. She has even embraced the bulk of the cancer hostile diet too. Bless her...


Edited by Jo W, with thanks